Done

So a week ago I gave my 2 week notice to River of Hope. Only one board member has responded. I am getting things tied off so that I can leave there next week. I am completing applications and sending resumes like crazy and no one is calling back. Which leads me to here: Stick me with a fork. I'm done.

Cheese

So who moved my cheese? I reread that little book a couple of times over the holiday. Funny how we don't always anticipate the changes that shake our world. One of my favorite movie lines is from Field of Dreams. Doc Graham is talking rather matter of factly when he says, "You know, we miss the most significant moments of our lives while they are happening." Not anticipating change, not changing when the need arises, can lead to frustrations too many to count. Instead of trying to figure out what significant moments I may have missed, I renewed my commitment to find "new cheese" instead of sitting around wondering why the old cheese went missing. I have several different corridors in the maze that I am exploring this week. Sending resumes to a couple of churches, 2 hospices that are looking for a marketer, 1 hospice that is looking for a chaplain, and I am trying to find a way to publish my book.

Not sure what book I am referring to, look up "Who Moved My Cheese?" Get your own copy and try to figure it out for yourself.

Quarter

Had a great time with the kids and grandkids. Started Wednesday and the last ones leave tomorrow. I was greeted today with my new role as grandpa. After church we went to eat with some friends. We put several tables together, which generally means we will wait a long time to get food. It was a family oriented Mexican food restaurant. Lauren, age 2, noticed the little gum machines as we went in. We ordered and visited while we waited. At some point, Lauren decided it was time to make her move. She got down and walked to the end of the tables where I was sitting. She motioned that she wanted to sit in my lap, which I was happy to oblige. She leaned up, I thought to kiss my cheek. Instead, she whispered in my ear, "Grandpa, do you have a quarter?" Trey had given her a quarter but the machine she wanted cost 50 cents. Isn't it amazing what children learn on their own without the need for formal education?

Hmmm

I was remembering an incident the other day that happened with a man who came on our hospice service but was emphatic that the chaplain NOT visit. He told the nurse, "I don't like preachers, don't trust them, and I don't want one in my house." So I did not visit him. About 3 months into his care, I got a call from the office about 5:30pm Tuesday evening. I was on my way to the school where one of the kids had a performance. Was just about going to be late. "The patient wants a chaplain visit tonight. He said it is urgent." Here is a man who wanted nothing to do with me and now I am supposed to jump because he says frog? I was quite put out by the demand since I had something important I was going to do. But I turned around and got to his house about 6:30pm.

When I entered the home, I greeted the sister who was the caregiver. Did all of the pleasantries: "His, I'm Rick Atkinson, I'm the chaplain, tell me something about your brother, etc." After a few minutes she took me to his room. As I entered, I was about to introduce myself but was cut off. "Are you the chaplain?" "Yes, I'm . . ." He interrupted, "I don't care who you are. I'm dying and I need 2 more days to finish my business before I die. I need for you to pray and ask God to give me 2 more days." Sounded reasonable. "So my name is R..." "I told you I don't care what your name is. I just need you to pray and ask God to give me two more days." I tried to engage this man in conversation a couple more times before one of his friends arrived with a milk shake and a round tray of boiled shrimp. They talked a minute without paying much attention to me. He finally turned back to me and said, "Are you going to pray?" I agreed and we prayed right then. And I asked God to give him 2 more days to finish his business. When I said "Amen," he pointed to the door and said, "Thanks for coming."

So lets recap. I miss my child's performance because a man who wants nothing to do with me needs me urgently to come pray and ask God to give him 2 more days to finish his business. It had already been a frustrating day and this just really put me over the threshold. I fumed most of the way home. I didn't think much of it again until Friday morning when I got to the office. I heard that the man had died in the night, about 1am. I went to the home and was met by the sister. "Thank you so mush for what you did. He got his 2 days and finished what he needed to. He was able to go in peace."

If I had not gone on Tuesday night, would the man still have died at 1am on Friday? Would he still have been motivated to get his business finished because we asked for 2 more days and he believed he was going to get them? Most of the things we do to minister to others has no accurate measurement to know if it was effective or successful. Its all about how God can use you in the moment without revealing what your real purpose was. It is not about me. It's good to be reminded of that once in awhile.

Cliches

"At the end of the day. . ." What does that mean? Seems like this cliche is way over used. "I don't think it means what you think it means." I guess it has something to do with after all things have been considered, where do you wind up. Having the ability to envision the destination before arriving, coupled with being able to communicate vision and motivate people to go there, it is reasonable to assume that I can know where I am going. But current reality is that I am only getting one step at a time. I have to take the next step before the next one is revealed.

"God works in mysterious ways." Sure does. But is there comfort in knowing that. Seems like a phrase to use when you are totally frustrated with where you are. This is usually coupled with "everything happens for a reason." It is like the plane crash years ago where the reporters found a man who had missed the flight. He was emphatic that God had protected him and did not allow him to get on that doomed plane. Great testimony and he was careful to praise God for being late to the airport. But if that is true, that God protected him, then what does it say about the 243 other people who did get on the plane? Are there 244 reasons for the plane crash, only one of which resulted in survival? Rather than blame God for all the bad that happens because there is a reason for it, I prefer to think that God can take the bad and cause something good to come from it.

"When the going gets tough, . . ." So many different ways to finish that one. Truth is the tough realize they are not so tough when the tough going keeps on going. Everyone has a breaking point. Seems like that is the purpose of tough going. Not to figure out how much one can take, but to get to the place of dependence on God. Takes longer for some to get there.

Calling

Had an interesting time yesterday. Attended services in Alvin at Heights Baptist Church. Listened to testimonies of Randy and Debbie and identified some tings that I am dealing with. Then in the sermon, the speaker dealt with following God's plan. I recall saying a couple years ago how things were different when we "lived by faith." We didn't have as much and we had to trust God to keep the bills paid. And we always had enough and even went on vacations every year. Somewhere along the way I started making more money and depended less on God because I didn't have to. Now I am back to faith being all I have.

The other thing I was forced to consider yesterday is a sense of calling. I have discovered that I really need a strong sense of calling to perform. It helps me stay focused and motivated as I do my work. Without it, I flounder and get lazy. I am less likely to get out and do something when I am not driven by my calling to do it. So what am I called to do? That's what I am working on now. Put it all together and I think I am coming out of this funk. Not sure where it goes but it feels like I'm going. I am trying to reconnect with my calling and use that to shape what I do next. I am still looking for a new job but not just to pay the bills.

I have preached that God knows what I need before I ask and that God has the provisions to satisfy my needs. Getting back to trusting God for that provision changes my attitude. Stay tuned for what happens next. I am getting one step at a time and that's OK. We'll see where this goes.

Thursdays

The past few months feels like I have strung together a whole bunch of Thursdays. Think about it. What is Thursday for? Monday is the beginning of the week and gets us thinking and planning for the rest of the week. Tuesday is usually filled with all the plans we made on Monday. Wednesday is hump day and feels like we are achieving something and starting to coast toward the end of the week. Friday is the day we work toward and now we are here so we can plan for some down time. Saturday and Sunday are for recreation and rest. But what is Thursday for? We look forward to Friday and the weekend, but we are not there yet. We look back to what we started on Monday and either finished those tasks already or realized it is going to spill over into next week. There is really not a lot of positive energy stemming from Thursday. Put a bunch of Thursdays together and you have the formula for Blech. Makes a lot of sense.

Fishin'

I used to have a sign that read:
If you always do what you've always done,
You'll always get what you've always got.

It is so easy to get in a rut. Definition: RUT = a grave with both ends knocked out. Keep doing the same thing and you get in a rut. The longer you do the same thing, the deeper the rut and the harder to change. That seems to be where I have been. I keep trying to do the same thing to satisfy my need for a job. I have called people that I know and I hear, "Let me call you back." And then they don't call. I call back and still don't hear anything. So I can keep doing the same thing and expect different results or I can change my approach and move forward. Interesting.

Of course, if what you are doing is working then keep doing it. It happened last Saturday. Fishing was rough with the tide out but after 4 hours of nothing, the tide started to come in and the fish started biting. I cast my bait and let it drift down with the current and the trout took it. I did the same thing again and caught another fish in the exact same spot. A third cast, got to the same place, another hit. I told Marc what I was doing and he tried it and got a hit. It went on like that for an hour and a half. When it was all done, we had 8 trout in the boat, had thrown about 6 back because they were too small and had about that many that got off the hook before we got them to the boat. Was really a lot of fun. Wish I was having that much fun job hunting. As I get out of the rut, my attitude has changed and I am looking in places that I haven't before. Expectation has changed, too. We'll see.

Consumerism

Do you remember when lawyers and drug companies could not advertise on TV? I am so tired of the bearded guy pushing Ike lawsuits. I usually mute the sound when I see his face. Only problem is I have seen the ad so many times that even without the sound I can recite the words. We are a nation of consumers and all businesses try to figure out how to part people from their money. Of course, lawyers and drug companies are seeking funds from insurance companies. That trickles back to the consumer through higher premiums, but who keeps score? We just want what we want when we want it. But what happens when a consumer can no longer consume due to lack of funds? He has to learn the difference between want and need. Its amazing how many "needs" are really not essential for life. The transition is not as tough as it would seem. Just takes a change of perspective. But the commercials are still annoying.

Nothing is something else

Hate is a strong word. There is not much that I would say "I hate . . ." But one of those things is waking up wide awake at 3:30am, unless I am leaving for fishing at 4am. Here I am, 3:30am, wide awake. Its probably the sausage on a stick from the high school football game. 6-man football, final score 59-38. Probably a low score in some 6-man districts. Just about halftime, they fired up the grill and started cooking foot-long sausages. The wind carried the aroma up to the stands. Wasn't long before we were watching the grill instead of the game. "What is that we're smelling? I have to check that out at halftime." I did. Now I'm here.

With waking up, the brain gets turned on. When you are doing nothing, how do you know when you are finished? I have always wondered that. Seems like when you start to do something then nothing is finished. But not always. Sometimes I wonder what nothing was about. Was there a lesson that was supposed to be learned? Had I learned the lesson sooner, would nothing have ended sooner? I was discussing my situation with a friend yesterday and told him that he has only followed our story for the past year. This transition has lasted at least 4 years, possibly six. In that time I have been unemployed 4 times. Am I just a bad judge of "good opportunity" or is there something more at work here? I got involved in helping start-up hospices doing marketing and administration. I helped to build some really good teams. Now many of the people I helped train are doing well and I am out of the industry. What does that mean? In this transition period, I have downsized my household effects, had to sell my house, spent all of my savings, paid for 2 weddings, drained the retirement account. I have very little left to lose. Is there a lesson here? Or do things just happen for no reason? Does there have to be a reason?

The well-meant Christian cliches are mind-boggling. "God never puts on us more than we can handle." I asked God once "Just how much can I take?" I found out and I don't ask that question anymore. But saying that God causes everything that happens to me seems to be a stretch. "God has a purpose in putting you through this." Really? What is it? Can I know now or is that reserved for when I get to heaven? "You must have done something for which you need to repent." So, I brought this on myself? Read Job's story. He was a righteous man that Satan wanted to mess with. There was nothing in the story that indicates that Job deserved what he got. "You just need to trust God more and believe that He will bring you out of this." There are those in scripture who found themselves in dire straits that did not come out of them. Read about Stephen or John the Baptist. However, there is truth to this statement. It is about trust. And that is what faith is about. All God asks of us is to "trust me." The lesson of scripture is that God is faithful. By following Christ, I am asked to trust him. Whatever happens, faith can stay intact and God can be trusted.

And that brings me to the lesson of nothing. When looking for meaningful employment and nothing seems to happen, God is always the same. When faced with mounting debt and not enough income to pay those debts, God hasn't changed. The variables are mine; God is constant. He knows what I need before I ask but He still wants me to ask. Trust is in the asking. I am not dependent on myself to provide for all of my needs; I am dependent on God. What He asks of me is to be faithful to my decision to trust Him. Times of trial and stress bring me back to the point of trust. Why is it that times of blessing and plenty don't always lead back to trust? Had I never known what it was to have need, would trusting God develop on its own? What do you think?

HERE WE GO

I have decided on a new adventure. With my wife and kids on Facebook and blogging, I have been the hold out on the new communication tools. I have tried to keep my nose clean and my mouth shut. I could not imagine how anyone over 40 could have so much to say on Facebook. And forget Twitter. There is no need for anyone to know what I am normally doing in short sound bites. Not that I am into anything I shouldn't be. Its just that most people are not interesting 24 hours a day. I can't think of anyone I know who would be worth following 24/7. However, I have had a change of mind. It is now my turn. I have a lot of answers and nobody is asking questions. So it is time for me to speak up anyway.

Expectation of posts: The answers found in the posts may be theological, practical, or whimsical. But they will hopefully not be boring. Where do thoughts come from? They just kinda happen. Sometimes they are relevant to more people than me.

I am currently under-employed. I have been seeking another job for several months. How can someone be "under-employed" and "over-qualified" at the same time? My salary this year will be less than half of what it has been in previous years. That is, excluding the last three in which I had a period of unemployment. That makes me under-employed. But the result of the last job I interviewed for I was being passed over because I was over-qualified. If I am will to work and that willingness is apparent because I applied for the job, how can someone else determine that I am not employable because I have too much experience? I find an opportunity that is appealing to me and get told, "I'm sorry, we are looking for someone less qualified, someone that does not have the knowledge and experience that you do." How does that make sense? Reminds me of Wade Phillips on the Dallas Cowboys sideline shouting, "Are you kidding me?"

I am used to being recruited. Over the past 15 years, I have usually found jobs when I wasn't looking. The job found me. I have had several recent good opportunities that soured after a short time. Being unemployed really sucks, but being under-employed is frustrating too. With all the experience I have, why is it that I am having so much trouble finding a job.

I have a BA, MDiv and have done DMin work. I have a broad base of experience, including 15 years as pastor, youth pastor, worship leader; 12 years in hospice work, as chaplain, bereavement, marketing rep, and administrator; 1 year as hospital chaplain in the cardiology units of The Methodist Hospital in Houston, TX; assisted in start of 2 churches; Camp pastor, Youth camp planning, and leading mission trips to Laredo, TX; started a hospice and served as administrator in Austin, TX; computer literate, working at IBM 5 years and selling computer networks; taught 7 semesters of seminary extension courses in Gulf Coast Baptist Association; started and led home Bible studies; certified Red Cross instructor in HIV/AIDS; Disaster Relief in Texas and Louisiana after hurricanes; successfully raised 3 kids; remodeled and sold 4 homes; I can grow food in a garden and catch fish; I have driven cars, trucks, motorcycles, and a school bus. With all of that, and I am still under-employed.

Maybe the problem is not with your set. Maybe I simply have no ambition. Maybe I just haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up. Whatever the case, I choose to look at my current situation as being on the brink of my next great adventure. Stay tuned. There's no telling where this goes from here.