fishin

To get the full effect you have to know that the fish on top is 16" trout.

View from the Bottom

Well, I found the bottom today. I have been trying to get an inspection sticker on my truck since Monday. Some sensor is "Not Ready." You are allowed one to pass the emissions test and I have two. Finally got the check engine light and the code on Thursday. Spent $160 to get it fixed, but the sensor still doesn't work. Drove it some more today and the check engine light came back on. Same code. Have to get that fixed before they will put a new sticker on the truck because I can't afford a ticket. So I got paid today and all but $20 goes to the apartment. Which means I have $20 for groceries until next Friday when Terri gets paid. Had to get my prescriptions refilled today, too. Guess I will park the truck since I can't put gas in it anyway.

But I got a notice from the bank today in the mail that they want the balance due "to avoid further action." It's a shame. I only have 4 payments left. I talked to my board yesterday since I sent them my notice 2 weeks ago. They want me to continue until the end of December. That's OK, at least I have some income for a couple more weeks. But I have been contacting people about jobs for 3 months, filling out applications, sending resumes, doing face-to-face visits. Some people I know who told me "I'll call you back." Days turned into weeks turned into months. No call. I am really tired of relationships where I am always the one to initiate contact. The other day I left a resume and a note with someone who knows me and the kind of work I do. Still nothing. I am getting used to nothing, which I guess is what its like at the bottom.

I haven't applied at Wal-Mart yet but I guess that's the next step. Actually, Buckees is close so I wouldn't need a vehicle. OR Randall's. Its amazing how far one can fall before hitting the bottom. I look to the future and I am really close to a lot of my bad financial stuff being done. Loans paid off, bankruptcy going off of my credit report, etc. I just can't seem to get there. So I will get used to being a bottom dweller some how.

I started this blog to help me process some of this but I am done processing. Don't tell me there is some lesson I am supposed to be learning because I am done learning lessons. Don't call and ask what I need. I need a job. Don't ask about Christmas. In order to join the festivities, you must be a consumer. To be a consumer, you must have money. So my consuming days are done for now. Maybe someday I can join the rest of you as a consumer. But for now, I quit.

That's the news from the bottom. Don't get upset if I don't update this for awhile. Probably getting rid of Comcast the next time the bill comes due. Oh well.

Huh?

So I was being domestic and cooking supper. Had some fish to fry and some rice and Terri got out some broccoli. I had put the fish on the back burner so as not to spill anything on the floor. Its frying real good and I am getting hungry smelling the aroma. The broccoli is on the front burner on the same side. I raised the lid to see how it was doing and got a whiff of the worst smell I have ever experienced in the kitchen. Why does broccoli cooking smell like a rancid fart? I like eating broccoli, especially with lots of butter. But I don't guess I had ever smelled it cooking. Not sure how that will impact my desire for broccoli in the future. The fish is really good but I must find something else to eat with it.

Done

So a week ago I gave my 2 week notice to River of Hope. Only one board member has responded. I am getting things tied off so that I can leave there next week. I am completing applications and sending resumes like crazy and no one is calling back. Which leads me to here: Stick me with a fork. I'm done.

Cheese

So who moved my cheese? I reread that little book a couple of times over the holiday. Funny how we don't always anticipate the changes that shake our world. One of my favorite movie lines is from Field of Dreams. Doc Graham is talking rather matter of factly when he says, "You know, we miss the most significant moments of our lives while they are happening." Not anticipating change, not changing when the need arises, can lead to frustrations too many to count. Instead of trying to figure out what significant moments I may have missed, I renewed my commitment to find "new cheese" instead of sitting around wondering why the old cheese went missing. I have several different corridors in the maze that I am exploring this week. Sending resumes to a couple of churches, 2 hospices that are looking for a marketer, 1 hospice that is looking for a chaplain, and I am trying to find a way to publish my book.

Not sure what book I am referring to, look up "Who Moved My Cheese?" Get your own copy and try to figure it out for yourself.

Quarter

Had a great time with the kids and grandkids. Started Wednesday and the last ones leave tomorrow. I was greeted today with my new role as grandpa. After church we went to eat with some friends. We put several tables together, which generally means we will wait a long time to get food. It was a family oriented Mexican food restaurant. Lauren, age 2, noticed the little gum machines as we went in. We ordered and visited while we waited. At some point, Lauren decided it was time to make her move. She got down and walked to the end of the tables where I was sitting. She motioned that she wanted to sit in my lap, which I was happy to oblige. She leaned up, I thought to kiss my cheek. Instead, she whispered in my ear, "Grandpa, do you have a quarter?" Trey had given her a quarter but the machine she wanted cost 50 cents. Isn't it amazing what children learn on their own without the need for formal education?

Hmmm

I was remembering an incident the other day that happened with a man who came on our hospice service but was emphatic that the chaplain NOT visit. He told the nurse, "I don't like preachers, don't trust them, and I don't want one in my house." So I did not visit him. About 3 months into his care, I got a call from the office about 5:30pm Tuesday evening. I was on my way to the school where one of the kids had a performance. Was just about going to be late. "The patient wants a chaplain visit tonight. He said it is urgent." Here is a man who wanted nothing to do with me and now I am supposed to jump because he says frog? I was quite put out by the demand since I had something important I was going to do. But I turned around and got to his house about 6:30pm.

When I entered the home, I greeted the sister who was the caregiver. Did all of the pleasantries: "His, I'm Rick Atkinson, I'm the chaplain, tell me something about your brother, etc." After a few minutes she took me to his room. As I entered, I was about to introduce myself but was cut off. "Are you the chaplain?" "Yes, I'm . . ." He interrupted, "I don't care who you are. I'm dying and I need 2 more days to finish my business before I die. I need for you to pray and ask God to give me 2 more days." Sounded reasonable. "So my name is R..." "I told you I don't care what your name is. I just need you to pray and ask God to give me two more days." I tried to engage this man in conversation a couple more times before one of his friends arrived with a milk shake and a round tray of boiled shrimp. They talked a minute without paying much attention to me. He finally turned back to me and said, "Are you going to pray?" I agreed and we prayed right then. And I asked God to give him 2 more days to finish his business. When I said "Amen," he pointed to the door and said, "Thanks for coming."

So lets recap. I miss my child's performance because a man who wants nothing to do with me needs me urgently to come pray and ask God to give him 2 more days to finish his business. It had already been a frustrating day and this just really put me over the threshold. I fumed most of the way home. I didn't think much of it again until Friday morning when I got to the office. I heard that the man had died in the night, about 1am. I went to the home and was met by the sister. "Thank you so mush for what you did. He got his 2 days and finished what he needed to. He was able to go in peace."

If I had not gone on Tuesday night, would the man still have died at 1am on Friday? Would he still have been motivated to get his business finished because we asked for 2 more days and he believed he was going to get them? Most of the things we do to minister to others has no accurate measurement to know if it was effective or successful. Its all about how God can use you in the moment without revealing what your real purpose was. It is not about me. It's good to be reminded of that once in awhile.